Ta1no’s Weblog

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.

7) Motorists

8) are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

9) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

10) But one

11) day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

12) My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

13) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

14) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

15) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

16) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

17) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

18) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.

19) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

20) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

21) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

22) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

23) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

24) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

25) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

26) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

27) You never know where to look when eating a b ana na.

28) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

29) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

30) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

31) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

32) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

33) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

34) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

35) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

36) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

37) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

38) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

39) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

40) Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

41) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

42) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

43) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

44) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

45) Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’

46) have a ‘use by’ date?

47) 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

48) 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

49) 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

50) 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

51) 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

52) 14) What do you call male ballerinas?

53) 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

54) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

55) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

56) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

At last it has happened – if you don’t know what I am rambling on about then take look at the following link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7461526.stm yep that’s it some parts of the Sainsbury’s website has crashed and Sainsbury’s is having to refund everyone also giving away a £10 good will voucher. Some might feel sorry for them and say oh no that’s not nice! And how will they bounce back…

In the news – Online maps with crimes plotted on them every month are set to be introduced in England and Wales. Mr Brown also backed plans to create “community crime fighters” – people such as tenant groups given cash and training to help tackle crime. The PM was responding to a Cabinet Office report suggesting people felt “cut off” from the justice system. Really MR Brown is this the best you can come up with to tackle the issue – Really!

A British woman’s bulging wig did not fool customs agents in Norway who discovered a kilogram of cocaine glued to her head. Officers have detained the 32-year-old on suspicion of drug smuggling, authorities said. People really need to think things through. Is this is not the best way to do it…

It is known as the home of ‘the whopper’ and Burger King is hoping its latest product really lives up to its reputation. The fast-food giant has launched a £95 burger – all in the name of charity. The fine ingredients of what is called simply ’The Burger’ include wagyu beef, white truffle, pata negra ham slices, cristal onion straws, modena balsamic vinegar, lambs lettuce, pink himalayan rock salt, organic white wine and shallot infused mayonnaise in an Iranian saffron and white truffle dusted bun. Ok let me say this in English, its not real beef and anyone that has £95 to spend on a burger from burger king needs a slap. Take the cash and go to a nice restaurant and buy a real burger not something that’s been sitting on the shelf for the last 2 weeks and has chemicals in it.

Mr. Sulu (George Takei), was among those lucky first Californians in loving same-sex relationships that are enjoying their right to get married!

Music news – So I told you that Lil’ Wayne’s new album was supposed to do well, Well, it’s done BETTER than expected! The rapper’s Tha Carter III sold just over one million copies its debut week, easily making it the #1 album in America. Let’s hope he smart enough to invest his money…

Grinding my gears – Today’s advert is Thunderbirds’ Brains dancing for Drench bottled water. The puppet dances in an amazingly realistic frenzy of moves – with strings still visible. He stops for a breather and a drink, and revived goes on to even more acrobatic feats. Last year’s hit ad was Cadbury’s gorilla drumming to Phil Collins. Cadbury’s efforts to repeat the trick have not yet worked – an advert about airport baggage lorries racing unluckily coincided with the Heathrow Terminal Five mishap. I for one think this is one of the worse adverts out there especially for water. This advert would not make me want to drink Drench water; however I think they created the advert to appeal to young people and to get a viral following. Shame thunderbirds puppets are as innovative nowadays as sock puppets. Take a look at the video below.

The list – Due to the Sainsbury’s news I am not going to add anything to the list today. Actually I might take them off the list as they have got there comeuppance.

Words of wisdom from Peter Kay-

1. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
2. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

For more please check out the jokes page and have a look…