Ta1no’s Weblog

Was sent this today and thought it was quite amusing so I thought I would pop it up.

DOG DIARY:
8:00 a.m. – Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 a.m. – A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 a.m. – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 a.m. – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 p.m. – Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 p.m. – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 p.m. – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 p.m. – Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 p.m. – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 p.m. – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 p.m. – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

B*stards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe….. For now…

This was also sent and i thought I would post

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a Doctor!’ ‘Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,’Mike replies ‘There’s a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid…..

A lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points’.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: ‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks’.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard – Get a water softener. 2) Your cat’s having kittens -Get a vet 3) Your dog has ringworm – Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit – Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren’t yours – Get a lawyer. 6) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better……..

Thank you for shopping at Tesco