Not all jokes are funny, not all flowers smell good, but they are what they are so enjoy…

1. Little Timmy went up to his mother and said, “Mommy, how old are you?” The mom said, “Son, there are some questions you should never ask a lady, and that’s one of them.” The boy said, “Okay, Mommy. How much do you weigh?” She said, “Son, that’s another question you should never ask a lady.” The boy said, “Okay, Mommy. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” The mom said, “Okay, that’s enough questions for now. Why don’t you go outside and play?”
   Little Timmy went outside and saw a friend of his. He said to the friend, “I kept asking my mom all of these questions about herself, and she wouldn’t answer them.”
   His resourceful friend said, “You know what you should do? You should go into her purse and look at her driver’s license. They have all sorts of neat information on those.”
   Little Timmy thought it was a good idea. So, he went into the house and got his mom’s driver’s license, then looked it over. Then, he went to his mom, and said mischievously, “Guess what, mom? I looked at your driver’s license, and now I know how old you are!” The mom said, “Really?” The boy said, “Yeah, you’re 33! And I know how much you weigh, too!” The surprised mom said, “Oh, really?” Little Timmy said, “Yea, you weigh 150 pounds. And I also know why daddy divorced you, too!” At this point, the paranoid mom said, “You do??” and Little Timmy said, “Yea, because you got an ‘F’ in sex!

2. Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. ‘Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?’ asked the dad.
   ‘It’s not a nail,’ said Johnny. ‘It’s a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock.’
   Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, ‘I’ll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I’ll buy you a Toyota.’ So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. ‘Oh,’ said the father, ‘your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother.’
3. Little Johnny was constantly telling stories &: exaggerating. In desperation, his parents decided they’d try sending him off to Sunday school.
   After the class, they asked him what he’d learned. ‘Well, I heard about this guy named Moses &: his people, and how this army chased them with tanks &: guns’, he told them. ‘The army chased Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then right at the last moment, they found some canoes and escaped.’.
   Disgusted, his father said ‘Now that’s not what they told you, is it Johnny?’ Johnny said ‘No, but I figured you’d believe that before you’d believe what they told me’.
4. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn.
5. Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.‘Why?’ asks the father. ‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’
   I said ‘6′
   ‘But that’s right!’
   ‘Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’
   ‘What’s the fucking difference?’ asks the father.
   ‘That’s what I said!’
6. Little Jimmy’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?” Little Jimmy’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
   Little Jimmy replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”
7. Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’
   Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’
   Miss Rogers: ‘All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’
   Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’
   Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’
   Little Johnny says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob’.
8. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!’
   The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’
   Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!’
9. Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, ‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’
   Little Johnny replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’
   The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?’
   Little Johnny answered, ‘No, he minded his own fucking business!’
10. A teacher asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Mary said, ‘My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.’
    The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’
    Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.’
    The teacher said, ‘Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’
    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’ so she called on him.
    Johnny said, ‘My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.’
11. Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, fucking. ‘What are they doing, Johnny?’, Mary asked.
    Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, ‘Well, he’s scaring her.’
    Little Mary said, ‘Oh’.
    They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, ‘Scare me, Little Johnny’. Well, Little Johnny thought, ‘What the Hell’, so he took her into the bushes and ’scared’ her.
    After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. ‘What are they doing, Little Johnny?’, she asked.
    ‘Well, he’s scaring her.’
    So Little Mary said, ‘Scare me again, Johnny.’
    Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and ’scared’ her again.
    After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. ‘What are they doing, Little Johnny?’, she asked again.
    ‘Well, he’s scaring her’, Little Johnny said.
    After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, ‘Scare me again, Little Johnny’.
    Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, ‘Boo, damn it, boo!’
12. Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims ‘Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?’
    Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out ‘Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!’
13. The teacher is standing in front of the class and she calls out to Jimmy to stand up and tell everyone what his father does for a living.
    Jimmy stands up and says ‘My father is a lawyer’.
    ‘That’s very good’ says the teacher. ‘What about you Jenny?’.
    Jenny stands up and says ‘My father is a doctor’.
    ‘That’s very good’ says the teacher ‘What about you Johnny?’
    Johnny stands up and says ‘My father doesn’t do anything for a living, he is dead’.
    ‘Oh dear’, says the teacher. ‘What did he do before he died?’
    To which Johnny replies ‘He went Uuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh’.
14. Little Jimmy was playing with his friend Ben in the rose garden when Ben got a large thorn in his finger and started crying uncontrollably. Jimmy tried to comfort him…”There, there, I’ll get my mum to bring you a cup of cider so that you can put your finger in it.”Ben asked..”Sob, sob, will that, sob, make it better?” Jimmy replied..”Well I’ve heard my big sister say that every time SHE gets a big prick in her hand she ALWAYS puts it in cider.”
15. Little jimmy awoke one night after hearing his mother scream in their bedroom. he slowly opened the door to find his dad on top of her making love to her. his dad turns around and says, ” go on back to bed son there is nothing wrong”. little jimmy leaves in horror. when his dad is finished he hears a noise coming from down the hall. he opens the door to find little jimmy humping his grandmother. he asks ” o my Lord son what are you doing?!!” little jimmy looks up and says “see it doesn’t feel too good when somebody does it to your mom does it?!”
16. little johnny was in his room when he heard someone moaning he went to his moms room she was rubbing herself saying I want a man I need a man she did this for a week then johnny heard her moaning and saw a man on her so he ran to his room, pulled off his pants, started rubbing his self and said I want a bike I need a bike!
17. Jimmy is in math class when the teacher asks him a question: “Jimmy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one with your gun, how many are left?” “None,” replies Jimmy, “because the others would be scared by the noise.” “Well, no, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you’re thinking!” “I’ve got a question for you, teacher,” says Jimmy. “If there are 3 women sitting in a shop eating ice cream cones, and one is licking her cone, one is biting her cone, and one is sucking her cone, which one is married?” The teacher gets a little nervous and finally answers, “I say the one sucking her cone.” “Well, no, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”
18. He is four years old. He was bugging Mother so she said, “Jimmy, why don’t you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you’ll learn something.” Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.
19. Jimmy replied, “Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the c@ck sucker back down. Then you have to take a c*nt hair off each side and put the Mother f@cker back up.” Jimmy’s Mother said, “you wait till your Dad comes home.” When Jimmy’s dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, “Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch.” Jimmy replied, F*@k you, that’s the Electrician’s job.
20. Little Jimmy was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, Jimmy was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.”The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Jimmy aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father ? “No,” said Jimmy, “he works for LBi, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”